Forgiveness is a Choice
- Dr Tshidi M Wyllie
- Oct 6
- 7 min read
Updated: Oct 17
#forgiveness. #holding grudges
#emotional regulation # bitterness, resentment, anger etc
Reasons for Failing to Forgive
Some people find it difficult to forgive for various reasons. Before I explain what forgiveness is andwhy some people finds it difficult ro forgive, allow me to start by explaining what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not absolving the blame for the behaviour, it is not endorsing the behaviour and does not symbolize approval of the behavior neither is it forgetting what has happened and the pain that has been caused. It is not reconciliation either, and just because you have chosen to forgive does not mean that you'll get bac together or that the incident will automatically be deleted from your brain and your memory; it will still be available, easily retrievable and sometimes the emotions associated with the incident may still be intense.
Forgiveness however, is the ability and the conscious decision or choice to let go of the offense, to forgive the offense. It is the act of letting go of the anger, resentment, bitterness and every negative disotorted thought, emotion and behavior related to that which has triggered you or that which has hurt you. It is putting the issue that has hurt you behind instead of allowing it to consume you or being consumed by it. It is a process of making a conscious decision not to dwell on the pain or stay fixated on the person or the situation that caused you pain.
Forgiveness is a process and a choice. Just as anger is a choice, forgiveness is a choice. It's choosing to release yourself from the pain. It happens when you decide that regardless of the extent of the pain that you may have felt at the hands of the other person, people, organisation or the situation, you choose to put it behind you. Some people find it easier to forgive whilst others may find it difficult to forgive what has happened.
Allow me to enphasize here that forgiveness is not necessarily reconciliation or getting back together, often I have heard people say, “he says he has forgiven me or she says she's forgiven me, but she refuses for us to get back together”. The outcome of forgiveess may not be reconciliation; especially where there is gender-based violence, abuse and high risk to another person's life. The person may forgive you without remaining your best friend or your intimate partner instead prioritizing their safety, children and mental wellbeing and achieving that through creating healthy boundaries, maintaining a distance to stay physically and mentally safe or even to protect the children (if there are kids involved).
So, What is Forgiveness then ?
Forgiveness is the ability and conscious decision to choose to forgive an offence, to let go of resentment, bitterness, anger, vindictiveness, and not allowing what has happened to consume you or control you. It is the ability to let put the pain behind, to avoid staying fixated on the person, the situation and the incident that triggered pain. It maybe very challenging to achieve hence it maybe a long process towards healing for some people deending on the nature of the trauma suffered.
Possible Reasons for Inability to Forgive
There are a couple of reasons why some people may find it difficult to forgive.
Desire for Justice
Some peole may strongly feel that there has been an injustice, and perceive forgiving as freeing the perpetrator from taking responsibility for their actions.Therefore, for them forgiveness may feel like an unfair epectation, especially if they perceive the person that caused them pain as getting away with it.
The desire for the wrongdoer to experience similar pain may also contribute to inability to forgive; this happens where somebody feels they have been deeply hurt and therefore desiring for the perpetrator to also experience the same pain.
Lack of Remorse
This may also be a motivator for some to not forgive, especially where the offender just says,” okay, I'm sorry, forgive me” with the words lacking accompanying behaviour of change or where the victim maybe perceiving lack of genuineness in the verbal communication or because they have heard the apology many times before.
Therefore, in such instances , the “I'm sorry” may no longer carry any weight, because people are used to hearing that and yet seeing no change of behaviour. I've had people say; “I've heard that before, how many times should I keep hearing that before I can see any change?”.
People may find it difficult to forgive you if they've heard you apologise all the time and yet repeatedly cntinuing to hurt them.
Self gratification & Punishment to Offender
The other reason people may experience difficulty to forgive others maybe due to the desire or need for attachment to the grievance, and preferance to holding on to resentment, bitterness, and anger because it makes them feel a sense of superiority and inner satisfaction when they do not release the offence and the offender as a form of punishment to the person.
5.. There are those that may feel they can never ever forgive , apologize, ask for forgiveness or accept forgiveness from others. I've had people say in Setswana; “Ke tla bo ke mo senya” or “ O ka ntwaela” ; feeling that when they forgive; they maybe taken for granted and/advantage of, especially where the individual is a repetitive offender. Many a times, it's because there are people who just find it difficult to let go. Their brain just can't come around to letting go and getting out of being stuck dwelling in the past event or situation that had caused them pain. They find themselves just remaining stuck in rumination of past mistakes that people may have caused them, and living in that rumination may create inability to forgive others as well as their own mistakes and ultimately resulting in bitterness, anger, depression, self-hate and self-loathing.
However, where there's been deep hurt, allowing forgiveness may create an opportunity to faciliate emotional healing in relationships because forgiveness can be a prelude or precursor to rebuilding trust, which may often be difficult to achieve in relationships; to go beyond the mistake that one person may have done and reach forgiveness, regain a healthy relationship and attain inner joy and peace.
Fear of Being Hurt Again
There are times when fear of repeated harm, hurt, and repetition of the same behaviour or pain may act as a preventative measure. That kind of fear may lead to some people having difficulty to forgive, especially where they believe that if they forgive, they may be taken advantage of, and the perpetrator may repeat the same behavior. They use unforgivess as a way of creating a solid wall to prevent being abused, betrayed to protect themselves from possible future hurts.
7. Desire for Retribution and Revenge
For some the desire for vengeance may be so deep that they find it difficult to forgive. Many a times, there is a sense of ego and core beliefs that forgiveness is a sign of weakness and lowered sense of self-worth. That comes with questions such as ;
If I forgive, then who and what am I?
If I forgive, then won't I be taken for granted?
If I leave this behind or let it slide, won’t I be considered a sissy?
Ego and Self-image
Ego may at times interfere and prevent people from forgiving others where forgiveness is perceived as a symbol of weakness. Therefore, in such cases one may find forgiving threatening to their ego and image. Often there are feelings that if they forgave, they I'll be taken for granted or lose the public image they have created. This may be fueled by the desire for the wrongdoer to pay a price, feelings and perceptions that forgiving will be letting the offender off the hook and making life easier for them.
Benefits of Forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not for the person that you're choosing to forgive but for your mental health and your physical well-being.
The moment you forgive, you'll feel that heavy weight lifted off your shoulders.
There will be a reduction in the stress level
Reduction of anxiety, anger and depression.
It helps you to let go, and releases your mind from strain
Improves your immune system
Gives you inner peace, joy and frees you from mental and emotional prison that you find yourself caged in. Then emotional healing starts to happen.
Forgiveness gives you the ability to move forward with your life without being vindictive, resentful or full of hate.
Choosing to forgive can help you to start having peaceful sleep.
Reflection
Have you noticed the changes in your internal processes, physiological responses, reactions and sensations when you hold grudges or stay angry?
Have you noticed what happens and what you experience when you see someone you
are harbouring anger, resentment and bitterness towards ?
Have you noticed how sometimes even sleep and eating becomes difficult?
That could be showing you that your unforgiveness is actually interfering with your sleeping pattern, your appetite and can lead to digestive issues.
Also notice the changes you experience the moment you choose to forgive, when you consciously choose to forgive, insomnia goes, blood pressure normalises and you get your power back.
But when you hold grudges, anger and bitterness, you are actually holding yourself prisoner or rather the person that you fail to forgive has power over you because when you remain angry, bitter and resentful, that person has power over your thoughts, emotions and behaviour and you have relinquished your power because every time you see them, you get triggered.
Every time you see them, you feel change in your internal processes, you become emotionally dysregulated. When emotionaly dysregulated, your thoughts, emotions and behaviour changes.
Mindfulness
What have you noticed yourself doing when emotionally dysregulated?
What have you noticed about your pattern of thinking when dysregulated?
What have you noticed yourself doing when you are angry?
When you see the person you hold a grudge towards, do you either walk away /avoid them , feel your heart racing, your temper rising, body sweating, breathing faster, etc?
Do you notice yourself sulking ?
If you were eating, do you suddenly loose your appetite ?
If yes to all of the above, the person you have issues with has power over you. But, you can choose to release yourself from that emotional captivity. When you forgive, you start to take your power back, you start to enjoy your life, have inner peace, joy, serenity and control what you think, what you feel and what you do.
Similarly, knowing that you have no control over another person's thoughts, emotions and behaviour can help you understand that; there are things that are within your control and those outside your circle of control. It is important to focus on the things that you have the power to change, and Remember# You have the power to choose forgiveness and release yourself from holding yourself an emotional prisoner. Forgiveness is a choice!
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