How to Help Your Children Cope With Divorce - PART 2
- Dr Tshidi M Wyllie
- Sep 1
- 5 min read
Previously, I wrote about the profound emotional impact of divorce on children that leaves them scared, confused, frustrated, angry, and sometimes blaming themselves for their parents' divorce, and also fearing that if their parents could stop loving each other, they could easily stop loving them as well.
That kind of thinking and those feelings could actually create insecurity and anxiety. As they blame themselves for the divorce, they may believe that their misbehavior, their and actions may have played a role in their parents' separation and that may brings about guilt; the self-blame can lead to feelings of guilt and shame that may linger after the divorce is finalized.
Teenagers often experience anger and resentment towards their parents for the upheaval in the family, which they can easily believe that the parents are responsible for the strain in the relationship.
And whilst parents are busy fighting each other in the courts, fighting over custody, fighting over property, fighting over the children themselves, the kids get forgotten in the background. We could be busy fighting each other over the child, and yet emotionally ignoring the very child that we fight over.
Usually , we focus on the stress we go through and forget the children. We focus on what we are going through ; the emotional turmoil that we go through, what we experience, which often make us even forget that the kids also have emotions and they are also impacted by the separation, the divorce that we are going through, and the fight that we are going through. Instead of drawing more closer and closer to the children, caring about what they feel about what is happening, we think, well, they're just too young to understand.
And sometimes they only find out later when it's well done and over that daddy has moved out or mommy is moving out because we've gone through divorce, we separated. All along, when we are going through this, we leave them out. It is crucial for parents to provide emotional support to their children during this challenging time.
You are not the only one that is hurting. It's also important that you validate your children's feelings and reassure them that the divorce is not their fault and it is not about them. Help them understand that you have grown apart and that sometimes adults along the way don't get along and things become more difficult to continue living together.
Teach children coping strategies and problem-solving skills that can help to empower them to navigate the emotions, the roller coaster, the confusion that is associated with the divorce and the changes in The family dynamics, the family structure. Help them to adapt to the changes in their family structure that is going on, that is being brought about by the divorce.
How can children cope with their parents' divorce?
How do we help them as parents when we actually find it difficult communicating with them about what is going on?
Open Communication
You can encourage open communication. Create a safe space for children to express their emotions and ask questions about the divorce.
This has to be age appropriate. It depends on how old they are and how much they can understand. Explain what divorce means, what the separation means, what the implications are to their level.
If they are too small, they may not understand. Listen attentively and provide age appropriate explanation to help them understand the reasons behind the separation without going into the nitty gritty.
2. Establish routines and stability
Maintain consistent routines and structures can help children feel secure and provide a sense of stability for them amidst these changes, these challenges, this confusion, this stress and this frustration. This can include predictable schedules for visitation and co-parenting arrangement that you agree with. Become a team even when you are going through divorce and you're not going to be living together, become a team.
Put the priorities, the child's priorities, first. Let the children's interests come first. In other ways, sometimes there is no point in fighting over the children.
Rather, agree on the visitation rights and on-call parenting. Do not bad-mouth each other or argue and fight over the kids in the presence of the children. Thirdly, seek professional support.
3. Seek Counselling
If children are struggling to cope with the emotional impact of divorce, it may be beneficial to seek the assistance of a mental health professional. Seek help. Ensure that children go for counselling and talk to an experienced child psychologist that can help provide guidance, support and assist you on how best to cope during this process and to be present for your child.
4. Encourage healthy coping mechanisms.
Teach children healthy coping mechanisms, such as how they can engage in physical activities. They could use journaling. We commonly call it “Dear Diary”. They could use drawing, art, painting, music, talking to a trusted adult, engaging in sporting activities. These strategies that are age appropriate can actually help them manage the stress and process their emotions in a constructive way in a safe environment.
Self-Regulate
You don't have to fear being asked : Mommy, Daddy, what is divorce? Mommy, Daddy, if Daddy moves away, am I still going to be allowed to visit Daddy, is he still my daddy, or is Daddy still going to be able to spend time with me? Do not allow that to make you angry, because you are angry with the dad, and try to punish the father by denying them visitation.
Shared Parenting
If a father is a responsible dad and does not bring any harm to the children, denying them visitation is counter- productive and hurts the child more than you can imagine.
Validate their Emotions
Acknowledge their fears, the confusion, the anger, and the emotional impact of the divorce on your children. With the right support and the right clinician, you should be able to help your child to navigate through the divorce process.
If as an adult, the divorce is impacting you so negatively and bringing so much anxiety and stress; impacting on your health and your emotional well-being, how terrible could it be for the child? Think about that, the pain they may be going through.
Some may not even be confident and assertive enough to be asking you about what they can easily see, feel, notice, and the tension that is in the air, that they can feel, and the changes that they see.
Some wake up to realizing, oh, daddy no longer lives with us, or mommy no longer lives with us. That becomes a shock and it creates trauma for children. When we fight, let's consider the children's emotions and psychological well-being.
When we hurt, let's consider the children's well-being, psychological well-being, and their emotions in the process as well.
#Remember, if the family separates and you're going through divorce, the children are probably anxious, stressed and maybe feeling divorced as well in the process.
Reference
From New Beginnings CounsellingBW: HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILDREN COPE WITH DIVORCE-PART 2, 31 Aug 2025.
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