In a Relationship with an Ambivalent or Disorganised Person?

Let’s talk about ambivalent attachment, how it gets formed, how it's established, what the characteristics are, and how people with ambivalent attachment style function; their characteristics and behaviours in adulthood.

But first, let’s look at their childhood, what could have contributed to them being the way they present themselves or function, the way they respond to situations and to relationships in their adulthood.

Ambivalent attachment is also known as anxious, preoccupied attachment style. This is where in childhood, individuals cling to their caregiver, they cling to their mom, or The person who looks after them and are overly anxious and guarded around strangers.

They don't feel comfortable around strangers and exhibit distress when their caregiver leaves the room, leaves them or is not in the same environment. However, they may remain ambivalent even when the caregiver returns. There was a study done by Ainstworth et al. (1978) that found that such children resist interactions with their mother when they are reunited; they remain ambivalent and tend to exhibit aggressive behaviour towards their mother/care giver for having abandoned them. The study further established that mothers who have low maternal ability tend to have children with this type of attachment style who then end up being ambivalent in interactions with other people in their adulthood.

What are their characteristics?

Ambivalence creates over dependency, suspicions around strangers or overly suspicious behaviour. Though it acts as an intuitive protective factor to ensure that others do not harm them, it nonetheless creates a clingy child who ends up developing into a clingy adult.

Such adults become overly dependent, worried when relationships end and show reluctance to gain close proximity with others in romantic relationships. They don't feel confident to be in relationship or become comfortable to develop meaningful relationships. They become overly conscious or anxious and sometimes they may appear to be too withdrawn.

Having said that, let's look at the other attachments more or less similar to this.

The disorganized attachment, also known as fearful avoidant, where the child shows confusion and fear.

The disorganized attachment gets established when the child lacked coherent caregiving or was mistreated, neglected, or traumatised by the caregiver. The characteristics of disorganised attachments include a fearful and avoidant child because they don't know what to expect and whether to trust or not. They're never sure of what to expect due negligence, rejection and abuse.

Their behaviour becomes disorganized, confused, and they may respond with aggression , emotional distress, and inability to self-soothe. This is due to having been exposed to trauma, mistreated, neglected, unheard, and may have felt unnoticed, like they didn't exist. Then they develop emotional distress and inability to self-soothes.

But funny enough, such children tend to seek comfort and reassurance from the same abusive adult , they seek comfort, acceptance and reassurance from the same abusive person or adult. Then in their efforts, they may quickly withdraw on remembering the rejection, abuse and uncertainty of previous hurts and how they might be treated or the response they may receive.

Their disorganised template does not allow them to experience coherent emotions or behaviours,

hence, even when caregivers or partners are abusive, they will still attach to them because this is their intrinsic nature.

You may know someone who is in a toxic or abusive relationship and yet continue to stay with the abuser. We’ll, their template allows them to keep staying attached to their abuser. Sometimes they’ll keep breaking up and getting back together regardless of the abuse. However, this is not the only explanation as there maybe other factors.

I have seen situations where such children in adulthood tend to remain attached to their abuser in toxic relationships and abusive marriages.

Remember that a disorganized attachment style is a pattern derived from trauma, fear, mistrust, and often abuse where the child never felt safe and secure, and feared closeness despite seeking proximity. Therefore, as an adult, they have challenges maintaining meaningful, close, intimate relationships or allowing themselves to love and be loved.

The disorganized child may be thinking:

• Can I trust you?

• Shall I come to you or

• Should I run away from you?

• Should I be close or keep my distance?

• Is it safe to be with you?

• Will you hurt me?

  They don't know what to expect, therefore as adults they have constant mistrust, fear, suspicion, insecurity , confusion and anxiousness .

  
  

There is always confusion as to whether they can trust or not trust. That creates a situation where they appear to be constantly inconsistent. Therefore, they maybe perceived as hot and cold, often conflicted about how to behave in a relationship, presenting a combination of anxious, indecisiveness, inconsistency and avoidance as a way of self-soothing their fears.

All that is done as an attempt to self-soothe , it is their response towards the fear and anxiety they feel. They do all these to try and soothe their fears however, in the process they create an unstable identity where people can't understand them, their behaviour, responses and whether they are into the relationship or not, because one moment they may be giving signals of love or portraying behaviour that shows they want the relationship , and the next moment or immediately afterwards appearing to be regretting having allowed themselves to be vulnerable, having allowed themselves to show their emotions and enjoy the relationship.

Therefore, it creates unpredictable behaviour and unpredictable mental state, in the sense that sometimes they may even downplay the importance of intimacy. This may results in

inability to hold meaningful and stable relationships.

This is the disorganized type of attachment style that developed during childhood due to exposure to trauma, neglect, abandonment, rejection and possibly abuse. You may be saying, I know somebody who is like that, or I once dated somebody who was like that, or that sounds like me; I am never really comfortable allowing myself to enjoy the relationship. I fear closeness, though I seek closeness and yearn for closeness.

That could be because of your attachment type and possibly because you were hurt before as a child, and it's in your template to be suspicious, anxious, mistrust people and be fearful as a protective measure for fear of exposing yourself to similar hurt in the relationship that you may be in.

Allow me to reiterate here that disorganised tendencies maybe emanating from fear and lack of trust developed due to childhood attachment. Therefore, as an adult you maybe perceived as hot and cold, often conflicted about how to behave in a relationship, whether to allow yourself to enjoy the relationship, grow closer and move forward in the relationship or not. One moment, you maybe loving, desiring closeness and the next moment you may feel fearful, anxious and notice yourself withdrawing or wanting to pull back which leaves your partner wondering, guessing, asking what they have done wrong.

Be aware that such behaviour creates confusion in the relationship as it causes the other person to wonder what to expect, and constantly ask if you still love them or if they have done something wrong despite knowing very well that they haven't done anything that could have pushed you away.

If you are the one left wondering, note that It's not about you, it's about them; their fear of closeness, inability to have close proximity and enjoy meaningful, intimate relationships.

Often, that present itself as a combination of anxious, indecisiveness, inconsistency, avoidance as a way to soothe their fears. Their fear of being hurt, neglected, abandoned , abused or traumatised causes them to present behaviours that show anxiousness, indecisiveness, inconsistency and avoidance resulting in unstable behaviour and unstable mental state as people can't understand whether they're hot or cold, whether they want the relationship or not; one moment they could be loving , then the next moment withdrawn which causes confusion in a relationship.

This disorganised behaviour creates unstable identity, unpredictable behaviour and unpredictable mental state, where the individuals don't seem to know what they really want. If they want the relationship or not, leaving you with questions and wondering what you could have done to push them away.

Disorganised attachment creates unstable identity, unpredictable behaviour and unpredictable mental state, where the individual seem not to know what they want. They may verbalize wanting the relationship, but then their behaviour may demonstrate the opposite. After having expressed their feelings, they may withdraw leaving you wondering if you have done or said something wrong. They also have tendencies to downplay the importance of intimacy leading to inability to hold meaningful and stable relationships.

You may be saying, I've seen such traits in me, or I've seen such traits in my partner, and the behaviour always leaves me wondering if there was something wrong with me, or if it had something to do with what I may have said or done.

Well, it may not have anything to do with you. It may have everything to do with the fears the other person has due to their attachment style, and their tendencies and desires to want to protect themselves and self-soothe through creating a distance between you and them despite yearning for closeness.

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