Introducing the Power of Letting Go
- Dr Tshidi M Wyllie,PhD.
- Nov 9
- 11 min read
Take a listen
Letting go is one of the hardest things that many people struggle with. Many of us struggle with letting go to allow ourselves to have inner peace and reduce the level of stress in our lives. Peace does not come from holding on too tight, it comes from conscious decision to let go, not from control, not from clinging.
There is misconception that many people have out there that strength implies persistently pushing through harder, forcing things to happen, trying to force even relationships to happen. There is a difference between making relationship work and working on the relationship to make it peaceful. But sometimes we hold too tight and hold on to even relationships that we can clearly see are unhealthy.
Sometimes the very thing you are holding too tight in efforts not to lose it, you may end up losing it because when you hold too tight, you are squeezing life out of it. We want to hold on until things can only go our way.
We don't allow ourselves to have flexibility, adaptability and hear the other person out or try to see things from another person's perspective. We just want to hold on to what we believe, our beliefs, our underlying core beliefs dictate things should be a certain way, therefore, we end up not being prepared to listen to any other version from other people. But real strength is not about endurance, it's about total surrender.
Emotionally intelligent people have learned the skills of flexibility, adaptability, acceptance and the ability to let go, when it is time to let go. Remember the serenity prayer. I've seen this in many offices, it goes like this.:
God grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things
I can,and the wisdom to know the
difference.
There is a difference; there are those things that are within your control and those that are outside your circle of influence; they are outside your control; for example; you cannot change another person's behaviour and their emotions (maikutlo a ikutlwelwa kemong a one). And most of those emotions are influenced by the perceptions we hold towards certain things. Our faulty beliefs can influence our way of perceiving things and our way of thinking.
If we have distorted thinking patterns and never see any good or any other way of perceiving; always seeing things one way, that may constantly trigger conflict, tension, stress, and destroy relationships. Most of the anxieties and stress we experience in our lives come from holding too tight to our faulty beliefs; “I believe it, so it must be true” (even when I may be wrong).
You should be open to allowing other people to express their views and put yourself in their position to be able to understand where they're coming from and reach a compromise. Most of our anxieties come from our distorted thinking patterns that trigger our anger and from our aggressive anger expressions that do not bring solutions, but are destructive and destroy relationships. Also our perceptions and beliefs that we can fix others' behaviors without reflecting on our own selves or trying to fix ourselves first may increase anxiety.
Often people react and respond to what they are receiving from us. If I engage with you from anger through anger, you are going to be responding to the anger and often you'll respond in anger because I have given you something to work with, to work at or respond to.
We teach people how to treat us, then we act all surprised when somebody respond to us in anger and wonder; how can that person respond to us that way?
But the right question should be; how did I present my case to the person?
What did they hear?
Did they hear the message the way I intended it to come across?
Or did they hear as they are?
We often perceive things as we are, not as things are for; “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he”.
At one point in your life, you are going to have to make peace with the fact that not everything is meant to be fixed.
Not everything is meant to be forced or figured out right away and allow yourself to go through a process to reduce emotional dysregulation, accept things that you cannot control. Once you do that, you will be able to feel relieved and find peace.
I keep stressing the fact that you can never change another person's thoughts, emotions and behaviour, and that the way you interact and engage with people, make people respond towards you in a way that you engage with them, or interact with them.
Some may be emotionally intelligent, not to be manipulated into responding in anger just because you are talking to them in anger, they may respond differently. They may look at you and decide, oh, she or he has anger issues. So, It's not my problem; “he has a problem or she has a problem because I didn't say anything or do anything that deserved invoking or triggering that kind of response”. We often react instead of responding; we become reactive rather than be responsive.
Having said that, I want you to reflect on this:
Have you ever felt stuck trying to control the uncontrollable? Some things are uncontrollable.
In life, we have to face the fact that there are things that we may not be able to control; whether its a relationship that eventually ended because it just couldn’t work no matter how hard you tried to control the other person's behaviour, thoughts; way of thinking and way of acting.
You need to process, look at yourself and say;
What is it about me that could be triggering this?
How did I contribute to the situation?
But, remember that sometimes it may not be anything that you may have done or said that may have triggered the situation .
Then when you've done the processing and even sought therapy and done everything in your power, you may get to a point where you realize that the situation is uncontrollable.
That the relationship is actually falling apart without you having triggered the process.
Or you can reflect on whether you had encountered a career setback that was beyond you and was uncontrollable; e.g you maybe working for a company that is going bankrupt and has no choice, but to retrench or shut down.
Your trying to fight with that is not going to change the fact that the company has to shut down. So it's one of those things I say are beyond you, are uncontrollable. Rather, your focus should shift to possible options that maybe available to you?; turn the challenges into opportunities, explore what else you could venture into whilst also seeking transitional counselling and adopting healthy coping strategies.
Another example is Time; do you really have control of time?
We each have 24 hours to work within, therefore, we fit ourselves and our activities within that time frame that exists and is availed to us. Therefore, trying to fight with time will only create anxiety and stress because it's beyond you.
I'm using time, retrenchment and toxic, abusive unreconcilable relationships as examples.
At the end, having reflected on these and having probably tried to fight things that are beyond you, you may have noticed that you need to focus on things within your control to release yourself from stress.
Have you found yourself stuck in trying to control things that are uncontrollable?
At the end, how did that impact on you?
How did that affect your thoughts, emotions and your behaviour?
Reflect; think about this and process.
There are a couple of strategies that could help you to release your grip and have inner peace.
Pause Before you React.
Process what you want to say before you say it. If somebody said it to you, how would you feel? So, pause before you react and ask yourself, am I being reactive or am I responding?
Is the Emotional Load Worth Carrying?
remind yourself that some things are not worth carrying or the could simply be not for you to carry indefinitely as they’ll weigh you down, increase your stress level and impact your health. Often, we even carry loads, baggage’s that are not for us to carry.
Journalling is Beneficial
Journaling could help provide a realease of emotions and mental clarity. The more you write about what caused the presenting emotion, triggered the thoughts and the behaviour that followed, the more you start processing, noticing your thinking pattern , the more you are likely to view the situation differently.
Notice Your Internal Processes - Focus Less on External Controls.
Get inside your thoughts, your mind as you process and challenge your thoughts e.g
- What am I thinking?
- What triggered this?
- What has brought this?
- What could have caused me to think this way?
- Could it be coming from my past similar incidents?
- Have I experienced this in the past?
- Is this a pattern that has been happening in my life?
As you journal your thoughts, your emotions, feelings, and observed behaviour, you’ll start seeing things differently, objectively and clearly.
As you process your internal processes, also notice what feelings are triggered by the journaling exercise:
- What am I feeling right now? - What am I thinking right now
- How is that impacting my bodily sensations?
- What emotions am I feeling because of the way I'm thinking?
- After all this, what do I see myself doing? The behaviour aspect of it. How am I responding or am I reacting?
- Am I banging doors, breaking things, shouting, being violent or aggressive ? - What am I noticing about my behaviour; am I being responsive or reactive to what is going on right now, and if someone behaved the same way towards me, how will I feel, will it be okay with me?
- Ask yourself; could my behavioural responses be considered Gender-based-violence (GBV).
Then consider time-out, seek help!
Acceptance and Closure. Sometimes to accept and have closure may never occur if the apology or the explanation does not come, but you still nonetheless have to convince yourself that , even if you do not get an apology or explanation, and don't understand what triggered soneone’s behaviour, you need closure to move forward towards accepting that explanation and an apology may never come.
Some people may never apologize or give an explanation why they treated you the way they did, or why they said the things they may have said to you. Therefore, If you're going to be waiting for an apology or explanation, you may remain stuck, and have difficulty moving forward to release yourself from anger and pain to achieve inner peace.
Sometimes, your inner peace is more important than proving that you were right, and at times it’s beneficial to realize that you cannot force another person to apologize or to explain themselves to you, and get to the point where you say to yourself:
I need to stop waiting for an apology
that may never come, and start living
the life that I was meant to live.
Stop waiting for an apology or explanation
that you may never get, and start living the life you were meant to have, and have innner peace and joy derived from internal intrinsic locus of control than from external influences/ external locus of control.
Once you start perceiving situations that way, you will move on rather than remain stuck living in the past. But, that requires constant processing, self-reflection, mindfulness, conscious decision and desire to move forward.
Perceive Healing as a Process, not an Event allow yourself time as you heal moving forward rather than remaining stuck on the fact that someone actions triggered you. This may take time depending on the nature of the hurt, people involved and other factors.
But, there are various coping strategies; both cognitive and physical that could help you to release yourself. For example, you may write /journal about it, pour out your anger on a piece of paper, at the end, just burn it as you visualize the triggers, anxiety, stress sensations etc melting away, reducing as a release through the process.
Avoid Re-playing the Narrative in Your Mind
the story you maybe replaying; ruminating remains a constant trigger as long as you allow it to remain playing in your head. Ask yourself:
- how is this helping me heal?
- how is it helping to heal our relationship?
- What are the benefits of dwelling in it?
- What gratification am I getting from it?
- Is it worth going on like this and remaining in that mental state?
If you keep replaying stories, entertaining distortions, allowing them to be like a broken record (rumination) over and over in your head; the more depressed or angry youll get. Replaying the same situation that you may have even discussed, that you were angry about, that you had an opportunity to express to the other person who probably apologised, but you keep bringing it up again and again,
how does doing that help? Reflect on this : how is replaying it over and over helping you to move forward and to heal?
At times, it's important that you just become intentional in making the decision to move forward. Because when you make a conscious decision to remain stuck on the issue, you are going to be staying there and delaying the healing process.
So, it's up to you; do you want to make a conscious decision to remain stuck on that particular issue, or to move forward through pain as you heal?
Living in Alignment Versus Attachment.
Holding on too tight to situations does not help, many a times, it does the opposite. Clinging to situations, grudges, anger and annoyances keep you stuck in unhealthy mental state, whereas, sometimes just walking away may be the answer.
Remember that when you choose to be flexible, assess and accept that you do not belong where you are, and that dwelling in the past Is not helping to bring closure for you, and does not help move you into alignment that will be the beginning of healing as acceptance happens. And acceptance in such situations can help change your mental wellbeing. Accepting things that you cannot control will bring you into alignment to be able to have inner peace, and move forward than stay attached to that particular situation.
There is Meaning in Letting Go
Learn to appreciate what you have had to release/let go for it’s negative effects on your life, and turn it into a learning experience; “turn your loss into a teacher”.
For example, you may have been in a toxic relationship that you tried in vain to make it work for years, and ultimately both of you had to agree that it was not working for either one of you, probably because you were hurting each other more than you were making each other happy, and chose to go your separate ways. Learn something from that experience as you move forward.
However, Sometimes the other person may not see the need for ending the toxic relationship for fear of public image, being considered a failure, stereotypes, societal norms and stigmatizing labels, whilst the other wants to terminate; especially in situations where the one at the receiving end of abuse, infidelities and severe psychological distress may feel they cannot stay, remain or continue exposed to trauma; abuse, or gender-based violence.
In every situation, one has to objectively assess the circumstances e.g loss of a job; whether it was through retrenchment or through some other way, loss of a relationship through some other way, look at the whole experience and instead of asking; why did this happened?,
Ask the following:
- What did this teach me?
- What am I learning about myself,
- What am i learning about the other person? - What am i learning about other people involved,
- What am I learning about people in general
and about the situation that can give me
wisdom going forward ?
- What can I proactively avoid in the future?
Once you do that, you will be able to move towards growth, maturity, emotional intelligence, getting unstuck, acceptance, and letting go to release yourself than dwell in the past. You have the power to let go!
YouTube
New Beginnings CounsellingBW: Introducing the Power of Letting Go, 09 Nov 2025
This material may be protected by copyright.
Comments